A Feeling of Sadness

There is an air of sadness:

We are on a lock down in Bangalore. This is a short two week one, which has followed an earlier partial lock down. For the last few days as I have gone about doing what I normally do on a Sunday, every day, I realised that a sense of sadness weighed heavily on me. I couldn’t figure out what the sadness was all about but this lock down was not like the one in 2020. At that time I was energetic and the days went by very fast. It is just not moving now – time, I mean.

At the start of the partial lock down, for the first time, my colleagues at office and site tested positive. People I had worked with for years were suddenly afflicted. I had myself tested and I tested negative. However, my mind felt tired and frustrated. I am a keen follower of politics and the last results made me happy. That should have pushed  me on to a higher plane. It didn’t. The ones I do not care for are making a mess but why am i feeling worse?

Could it be that there were too many people I knew who are affected? Could it be that this time there seems to be less hope of a peaceful return to normality? Why do I feel so sad?

Is India my concern?

Many years ago when the country’s Finance Minister told the world that India did not need external help to manage the destruction of  the Tsunami, I felt so proud. After years of being defensive in front of the people who never gave us a chance, we finally said enough, we can help ourselves.

Today, my young colleagues are stricken by the virus. I am praying they do not need to go to hospital because I will never forgive myself if I cannot get them a place. My drivers sister died – after running to ten hospitals. He never called to ask for my help, he possibly knew that in this case I was out of my depth. This is a first for me – I have never felt out of my depth.

Every day I read of help coming from all over the world to India. Even little Bhutan has helped. My young children and colleagues and students will have to spend years of their lives washing away the shame of the mess that we elders left for them by messing up this medical emergency.

Is that why I am sad?

Today…

I do not care who is at fault. I have had enough of seeing dead bodies all over, now in the sacred Ganges as well. I see greed, I see political one-upmanship, I see blame, excuses everything – except for one word – sorry. I have yet to hear of an apology. An apology to India and an apology to its citizens.

Is sorry such a hard word to say? Doesn’t a genuine sorry take away the anger and the frustration and everything negative? Will someone say I’m sorry about this. I’m reaching out my hand to you, my fellow Indians. Lets regroup and fight this virus together. We can do it.

It’s a combination of many of the above that have made me feel sad and possibly made others feel sad too. I haven’t written in a long while and so, I am sorry if this is a sad and pathetic piece. I am sorry for the many who have died, those who are the living dead and those who are ill and suffering. I am sorry for India – we have let you down badly. Forgive us. We are all at fault. We must try and get together and rebuild you. We must remove the sadness. We must..

Comments(8)

  1. We can all relate to this Mr. Koshy. Thank you sharing something we are all feeling at the moment but finding it hard to articulate/accept. As you have said so simply but meant deeply – We must remove the sadness.
    Please do keep writing…words can warm and heal.

    May 11, 2021 at 10:26
    • Thanks Devyani. Yes, we must remove the sadness and it should be an effort by all of us. Take care

      May 11, 2021 at 13:19
  2. We will overcome we have done so in the past and we shall do so now…. I think it was Mr PVNarasimha Rao in a speech in Singapore said that India has absorbed everything accepted what it can and spew out the unwanted…..(or something to that effect) let’s take heart and not give up on ourselves …. we are a resilient people….

    May 11, 2021 at 10:46
    • Oh I agree. He was such an amazingly intelligent person. Yes, India is resilient but it is badly wounded. We musnt forget that. The sooner we work towards healing the better. Thanks for commenting.

      May 11, 2021 at 13:21
  3. I can understand Sunny. I feel things are happening at a pace which is going out of control. Not able to grasp what went wrong. I don’t think anyone was prepared for this kind of wave. We have to come out of it. Survival. Prayers, self control and commonsense. What else to do. Glad you can put into words your thoughts and fears. Please continue to do so.

    May 11, 2021 at 19:34
    • Thanks so much Leah. Yes, we have to do what you have suggested. God Bless

      May 12, 2021 at 03:00
  4. Koshy Saab, I am from Mumbai. Your words are touching. I hope someday i become a developer like you. This pandemic I don’t know who to blame & what to do. I can just thank the almighty & be grateful that I & my loved ones have survived till now. During the last lockdown I felt the hospital infrastructure had crumbled & during this lockdown I see that we cannot give a respectable farewell to the people who have passed away. I am sure all of us have gone through so much in the past that we WILL rise again like a PHOENIX. All the people who look upto us will be proud of what we do for the ourselves & the society. In future we will never be “out of depth”. Love You. Sir ! Keep Writing.

    May 13, 2021 at 03:22
    • Dear Krishna,
      Many thanks for your kind words. I am sure you will become a developer at the right time. My best wishes to you. Yes, India has the ability to rise from the ashes and I am praying it will rise stronger than before. God Bless. Stay safe.

      May 13, 2021 at 06:11
  • Devyani Dhulkhed says:

    We can all relate to this Mr. Koshy. Thank you sharing something we are all feeling at the moment but finding it hard to articulate/accept. As you have said so simply but meant deeply – We must remove the sadness.
    Please do keep writing…words can warm and heal.

    • Koshy Varghese says:

      Thanks Devyani. Yes, we must remove the sadness and it should be an effort by all of us. Take care

  • Renuka says:

    We will overcome we have done so in the past and we shall do so now…. I think it was Mr PVNarasimha Rao in a speech in Singapore said that India has absorbed everything accepted what it can and spew out the unwanted…..(or something to that effect) let’s take heart and not give up on ourselves …. we are a resilient people….

    • Koshy Varghese says:

      Oh I agree. He was such an amazingly intelligent person. Yes, India is resilient but it is badly wounded. We musnt forget that. The sooner we work towards healing the better. Thanks for commenting.

  • Leah Matthen says:

    I can understand Sunny. I feel things are happening at a pace which is going out of control. Not able to grasp what went wrong. I don’t think anyone was prepared for this kind of wave. We have to come out of it. Survival. Prayers, self control and commonsense. What else to do. Glad you can put into words your thoughts and fears. Please continue to do so.

  • Krishna Jhala says:

    Koshy Saab, I am from Mumbai. Your words are touching. I hope someday i become a developer like you. This pandemic I don’t know who to blame & what to do. I can just thank the almighty & be grateful that I & my loved ones have survived till now. During the last lockdown I felt the hospital infrastructure had crumbled & during this lockdown I see that we cannot give a respectable farewell to the people who have passed away. I am sure all of us have gone through so much in the past that we WILL rise again like a PHOENIX. All the people who look upto us will be proud of what we do for the ourselves & the society. In future we will never be “out of depth”. Love You. Sir ! Keep Writing.

    • Koshy Varghese says:

      Dear Krishna,
      Many thanks for your kind words. I am sure you will become a developer at the right time. My best wishes to you. Yes, India has the ability to rise from the ashes and I am praying it will rise stronger than before. God Bless. Stay safe.

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